“Not Another Teen Movie” does for John Hughes-Freddie Prinze, Jr. style high school flicks what the “Scary Movie” series did for teen horror pictures. This is not a compliment. In other words, it sends up the conventions of the genre by offering a succession of flat reminiscences of scenes from earlier movies, spiced up with lots of gross-out jokes, coarse sexual innuendo and really dumb slapstick. The result is gruesomely unfunny, an appalling debacle that’s like one long, agonizing groan. Even in the year of “Freddy Got Fingered” and “Wet Hot American Summer,” this is an astoundingly awful picture.
It’s conceivable that an amusing concoction could be made of satiric episodes from the early Hughes pictures (“Sixteen Candles,” “The Breakfast Club” and all their increasingly repetitive progeny) and the inexhaustible supply of seemingly interchangeable Prinze vehicles, with a dash of oddities like “Cruel Intentions” thrown in for good measure. But “Teen Movie” doesn’t go much beyond trafficking on the jolt of recognition that occurs when the viewer says, “Oh, yeah, I saw that movie, too.” Since nothing is added to the pilfered material except for painfully obvious gags, over-the-top shtick and the most vulgar shocks imaginable, the increasingly uncomfortable audience can do little but count off the references and predict what already-mediocre original will be trashed next. The worst moments come when performers from the earlier movies (Molly Ringwald, Paul Gleason) show up to rag on their previous work; the scenes they’re given are so rotten that they look, and sound, badly improvised–the result is like watching some unfortunate guest star isolated on “Saturday Night Live” in the middle of a lousy sketch, painfully aware that he’s sinking fast.
You have to feel sorry for the young cast, too: virtually each of them must suffer at least one humiliation. It’s bad enough for Chyler Leigh, who plays Janey, the good-girl nerd transformed into the prom queen; she first gets caught masturbating by her family, and later falls through a collapsing stairwell. But Chris Evans, who’s handsome jock Jake (the Prinze-like guy conned into dating Janey who eventually falls for her), has to endure a truly excruciating sequence in which he appears totally nude, except for a few strategically-placed blobs of whipped cream and some ornamental cherries. And the most horribly abused is Mia Kirshner, doing a take-off of the Sarah Michelle Gellar bad-girl of “Cruel Intentions.” This lovely actress not only must recite several of the foulest lines in recent memory, but has to appear in dominatrix garb and do a kissing scene that will make almost any viewer retch. (A precipitous comedown from her work with a great director like Atom Egoyan in 1994’s “Exotica,” or even her recent TV stints on “Wolf Lake” and “24.”) Lesser indignities befall the supporting players, but they pale by comparison, except for Randy Quaid, who’s so convincing as Janey’s alcoholic disaster of a dad that you’d swear he was dulling the pain by actually doing his scenes in a drunken stupor.
There’s one small consolation to “Not Another Teen Movie.” One can at least be certain that, unlike “Scary Movie,” it will spawn no sequel.