Producers: Kelly McCormick, David Leitch and Guy Daniella Director: Jonathan Eusebio Screenplay: Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard and Luke Passmore Cast: Ke Huy Quan, Ariana DeBose, Daniel Wu, Mustafa Shakir, Lio Tipton, Cam Gigandet, Marshawn “Beastmode” Lynch, André Eriksen, Sean Astin and Drew Scott Distributor: Universal Pictures
Grade: D
If movies and TV series are anything to go by, the profession of “hit man” must be among the most overstuffed in the country; story after story follows one of them out on the job, or called out of retirement to resume his bloody work, either eagerly or reluctantly. The latest example is “Love Hurts,” in which Oscar winner Ke Huy Quan plays Marvin Gable, an apparently mild-mannered Milwaukee realtor who was once an accomplished killer and is forced to put his old skills to the test when his gangster brother Knuckles (Daniel Wu) and a small army of his minions come after him, prompted by the reappearance of Rose Carlisle (Ariana DeBose). She’s an erstwhile financial confederate of Knuckles whom Marvin, then working for his brother, had supposedly offed and buried because Knuckles thought she’d embezzled from him, but whose death Marvin faked because he loved her.
This laborious backstory is presented in occasional flashbacks, but more often through interior monologues delivered in voiceover as Bridger Nielson’s camera stares at the speaker. It’s a crude, boring way to feed us the information.
And it’s parceled out bit by bit over the course of the movie, which begins with amiable Marvin baking heart-shaped cookies for his staff to celebrate Valentine’s Day. All seem happy to take one save for his aide Ashley (energetic Lio Tipton), who’s depressed over her empty life. That emptiness will soon be filled with romance when a hit man going by the nom de slaughter Raven (Mustafa Shakir) arrives to compel Marvin to reveal the location of Rose, whose unexpected return Marvin has already suspected because of the moustaches he used to wear being added to his advertisements around town. Raven is a sensitive sort, and after Marvin leaves him defeated in his office, Ashley finds him and is moved by his death-obsessed poetry (apparently he chose his work pseudonym from devotion to Poe).
Meanwhile Rose has reconnected with Marvin, and the poor fellow must choose between the new life he says he loves and his rekindled love for her, despite the fact that as portrayed here, she seems a particularly unpleasant, if undeniably sexy, person. Naturally, also one who was framed by others in Knuckles’ circle, notably Renny Merlo (Cam Gigandet, whose default mode is a nasty sneer) and one Kippy Betts (gruesomely unfunny Rhys Darby, whose torture scene feels well deserved).
Merlo sends two more men after Marvin and Rose—King (Marshawn “Beastmode” Lynch) and Otis (André Eriksen), whose banter about the latter’s “emotional constipation” at least brings a smidgen of genuine amusement to a movie that’s perhaps fifty percentage martial artsy fights and gun battles and ends, as it must, in a prolonged fraternal beatdown between Marvin and Knuckles. The fights are extremely complicated choreographically, boasting some unusual shots courtesy of Nielson (in one case, from the inside of a microwave and a refrigerator as Marvin tries to save a cherished plaque), but though Quan and the others (as well as their stunt doubles) pull them off well enough, they lack the dash and visual pizzazz of the best such onscreen action. It’s also unfortunate that the script introduces some characters, like Marvin’s supportive boss Cliff (Sean Astin, bigger than ever in his “Goonies” reunion with Quan) and his real estate rival Jeff (Drew Scott) only to have some disposable folks around.
It’s nice, of course, to see Quan get a chance at a lead role after so many years of being overlooked, but with a nod to his comeback role, this might be retitled “Nothing, Nowhere All at Once,” and had it been made when “The Goonies” was released, it would have occupied the “straight to video” shelf at Blockbusters. In any event, he’s actually pretty bland; quite frankly Bob Odenkirk was far more successful playing the mousy guy returning to a violent past in 2021’s “Nobody,” a much better picture. (If you want a really good hit man comedy, though, Richard Linklater’s eponymous Netflix effort remains unsurpassed among recent offerings.) Under direction from Jonathan Eusebio that’s awfully flat in the non-action scenes, DeBose, Gigandet and Wu mostly just strike poses, none of them very interesting; so does Shakir, but unlike theirs, his are funny become of his steely-eyed solemnity. Though it’s supposedly set in Milwaukee, the Canadian-shot movie’s sense of place is basically limited to a close-up of a Wisconsin license plate. Otherwise the movie, with a production design by Craig Sandells, has a thoroughly ordinary look though Patricia J. Henderson’s costumes show some imagination, especially in terms of DeBose’s duds.
In the end “Love Hurts” feels like “John Wick” minus the style—and the dog and car. If there’s a saving grace to the movie, it’s that, as edited by Elisabet Ronaldsdottir it only runs eighty-three minutes, even if it feels a lot longer, particularly in the overextended fight scenes. Dominic Lewis’ score, coy in the seriocomic bits and booming in the action ones, is hardly a plus.
Incidentally, it’s interesting to note that in both the major studio movies being released for Valentine’s Day this year, a straw is employed as a murder weapon. If you’re taking your sweetheart out on the 14th and you’ve seen this movie (or “Heart Eyes”) together, you might want to consider an upscale place where the drinks don’t invite their use, lest your date get the wrong idea.